Broken Bowls and Flowing Tears: Prophet Muhammad [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] as Husband Extraordinaire!
Recently, the global Muslim blogosphere went on the usual defensive, as news of a “Muslim” media professional beheading his wife in a murderous rage did the rounds of all major news websites. Once more, allegations of Islam being a religion of barbarians and terrorists were allayed and refuted by Muslims, at times successfully, but at other times, perhaps a bit in vain.
We must realize that deducing the doctrine of a religion by looking at random contemporary examples is a mistake in itself. We must go back to its original teachings in order to get the real picture of what it entails for its adherents. The true role-model of Islam can only be presented by Prophet Muhammad [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم], the paragon of Muslim character, conduct and virtue. Allah says about him in the Quran:
“You have indeed in the Messenger of Allah a beautiful example (of conduct) for anyone whose hope is in Allah and the final Day, and remembers Allah much.” [33:21]
The simple reason for Prophet Muhammad’s [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] success in every sphere of life was his dexterity at human relationships. Perhaps the most volatile and delicate human relationship is that between a husband and wife – the only relationship between a man and woman based on sexual attraction, companionship and love, that is allowed and recommended in Islam. The reason why so many similar relationships between men and women outside marriage break up so often, is that primarily, it’s partakers do not understand it’s intricacies and requirements pertaining to human behavior.
Prophet Muhammad [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] understood women. He knew that women are created physically beautiful and attractive, but also possess volatile, easily-aroused emotions, resulting in natural behavioral shortcomings, which their husbands will just have to learn to take in stride throughout their lives. He knew that patience, a wise selection of words, and restraint from losing his temper, are mandatory qualities for a husband to possess, in order to enable him to effectively deal with his wife’s intermittent bouts of irrational thinking and emotional instability.
I once heard someone remark, “When I was a single young man, the prospect of having multiple wives was fair-seeming, for obvious reasons; a few years after marrying my wife, however, I now wonder just how the Prophet Muhammad could have possibly handled up to nine wives at one time, when I can sometimes not handle even one!”
Perhaps no narration displays the Prophet’s expertise at handling his wives’ outbursts as well as the hadithbelow does:
Narrated Anas Bin Malik: “While the Prophet was in the house of one of his wives, one of the mothers of the believers sent a meal in a dish. The wife at whose house the Prophet was, struck the hand of the servant, causing the dish to fall and break. The Prophet gathered the broken pieces of the dish and then started collecting on them the food which had been in the dish and said, “Your mother felt jealous.” Then he detained the servant till a (sound) dish was brought from the wife at whose house he was. He gave the sound dish to the wife whose dish had been broken, and kept the broken one at the house where it had been broken.”
(Notice how the narrator has abstained from mentioning the names of the Mothers of Believers in order to cover their faults/shortcomings!)
[Sahih Al-Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 152]
(Notice how the narrator has abstained from mentioning the names of the Mothers of Believers in order to cover their faults/shortcomings!)
[Sahih Al-Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 152]
Picture this scenario happening in an average house: a woman breaking another’s crockery piece (and we all know how passionately women feel about their crockery pieces! Even their own child is scolded for accidentally breaking a cherished utensil.), laden with food the latter had freshly cooked, in an envious rage; this is in fact, a scene depicted often in modern soaps to spice up the plot! How would you expect an average husband witnessing such an action to react? – Probably by also losing his temper and screaming angrily, “What have you done? Are you out of your mind?!”
The wise steps that Prophet Muhammad [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] took, however, to satiate his wife’s envy and to prevent the situation from turning into a domestic battle, are detailed below:
- He refrained from rebuking her or shouting at her before others. This would have undoubtedly humiliated her. Instead, he calmly offered a simple explanation for her behavior to onlookers (i.e. his companions, including the narrator): “Your mother felt jealous.” Note how he referred to her with a respectful title before the assembled group. With this simple statement, he gave her leeway for being a human being – and a woman, at that – who got affected by her innate human emotions.
- He physically remedied the situation by cleaning up the mess himself. This indicates his humility and greatness of character. He could have asked her, or one of his younger companions, to clean up – the narrator is Anas Bin Malik, who was much younger than the Prophet and dedicated for his service, yet the latter did not ask him to do the cleaning-up. He didnot ask his wife to do it either – knowing her angry state and not wanting to humiliate her by making her clean up before an audience - he humbly did the job himself. What a great model for every man! A husband cleaning up a dish broken by his wife, without even being asked!
- He executed justice, and arranged for compensation, by asking his wife to replace her co-wife’s broken utensil as well as its contents. That is, despite his patience and forgiveness for her angry outburst, he made her compensate the wife who had been unduly wronged for an action that was very praiseworthy in itself: preparing and sending them a meal.
The reader might think that perhaps such petty jealousies were the norm among Prophet Muhammad’s [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] wives. Nay, they got along amicably otherwise, with mutual respect and sisterly love. Just like normal women, though, they had their human weaknesses and moody phases. I have personally noticed that women are very competitive as far as cooking is concerned. It is amusing to note even biological sisters and mother-daughter pairs making some less-than-nice comments as far as cooking skills are concerned. The reason I am bringing this up is so that we may realize why our Mother threw that dish in the first place.
Once a person’s brother’s wife served their whole family an Italian recipe they ate only at restaurants. He started raving about it from the first bite, going on and on in front of everyone until his wife – not at all an envious type - started shooting daggers at him from her eyes. To that he replied, “I praise yours too when you make it, don’t I?”
A mother went visiting at her daughter’s in-laws. The latter graciously started praising her daughter’s cooking and culinary skills, to which the mother promptly piped up, “She has taken all my recipes.”
A guest graciously praised the cooking of a daughter-in-law before her mother-in-law. The latter commented sarcastically, “Well, that’s because she has been trained very well (by her mother).”
A guest graciously praised the cooking of a daughter-in-law before her mother-in-law. The latter commented sarcastically, “Well, that’s because she has been trained very well (by her mother).”
Therefore, it is no surprise that one wife felt angry when her co-wife sent a sample of her cooking to the Prophet Muhammad [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] during her turn with him. However, as I said before, his co-wives got along very well otherwise. The following narration depicts a humorous incident that once took place between two of them:
Mother of the believers, ‘A’ishah [with her, may Allah be pleased] narrated: “Once, Sawdah visited us and the Prophet [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] sat down between me and her, one leg in her lap and the other in mine. I made thenKhazira (a dish of bran in meat broth) and told her: “Eat!” She refused. I said: “If you don’t eat I will stain your face with Khazira,” but she insisted not to eat; therefore, I put my hand in Khazira and painted her face. Seeing that, the Prophet laughed and gave his share in Khazira to Sawdah and told her to stain my face; so, Sawdah stained my face and the Prophet laughed.”
[Al-Albani, Al-Silsila Al-Sahihah: 7/363]
[Al-Albani, Al-Silsila Al-Sahihah: 7/363]
Notice how one wife cooked a meal for another when the latter visited her house in the Prophet’s presence. She was keen to serve her co-wife, which is commendable. The Prophet’s wisdom in dealing concurrently with two of his wives in this situation becomes obvious in the following ways:
- The Prophet physically sat in such a way that neither wife would feel ignored or preferred over the other.
- He executed justice, by making the wife who became the mock “victim”, return the action meted out to her.
- He immediately gave her his portion of food to do this.
- He laughed constantly to make light of the situation, ensuring that no one took it too seriously.
As a husband, do you laugh with your wife? Do you play games with her? Do you make light of her routine moods, outbursts and tantrums? Does it appear possible to you that a man who would truly follow the role-model of the Prophet Muhammad [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] could ever mistreat his wife?
Mother of believers, Safiyyah Bint Huyyiy narrated, “The Messenger of Allah [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] went to Hajj with his wives. On the way my camel knelt down as it was the weakest among all the other camels, and so I wept. The Prophet came to me and wiped away my tears with his dress and hands. The more he asked me not to weep, the more I went on weeping.”
[Musnad Ahmad, Vol.6, p. 337]
[Musnad Ahmad, Vol.6, p. 337]
Again, he is the epitome of the caring, loving husband – coming to his wife on seeing her upset, wiping away her tears of sorrow, and insisting that she stop weeping. You have to keep in mind that he had all his wives with him during the afore-mentioned journey, yet he became alert when one of them was hurt. He did not ignore her, nor did he brusquely tell her to stop crying to save face before the crowd. He showed concern and love for her publicly.
Some husbands, it is sad to note, behave very awkwardly with their wives in public. They think it is embarrassing to show affection or to smile and laugh with their wife in front of onlookers, especially other men. It is as if their wife becomes a cause of shame for them in a public setting, which is why they become very business-like and stiff with her. Prophet Muhammad [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم], however, in his considerate and loving treatment of his wife during Hajj, sets an example of how an ideal Muslim husband should be.
If Muslim men were to follow Prophet Muhammad’s exemplary behavior with their wives today, perhaps we Muslims as a whole, would need to work less hard on defending Islam in face of skeptics’ critical onslaughts. Perhaps Prophet Muhammad’s [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] kind and affectionate conduct, humble demeanor and spotless character are the reasons why there are more and more women willfully turning to Islam, with each passing year?
The Prophet and Women
| The Message of Islam Team |
The enemies of Islam never tire of repeating the claim that Islam is unjust to women, oppresses them, deprives them of their rights and considers them no more than servants and a means of enjoyment for men. This falsehood is refuted by what has been authentically narrated about the Prophet (peace be upon him) regarding the honor he accorded women and his concern for their condition. He used to consult women, deal with them gently, support them in all situations and give them their complete rights in a way never dreamt of before. Before Islam, the Arabs disliked having daughters and considered them a source of shame. Some of them were even known to have buried their female children alive. The Qur'an describes it as follows: And when one of them is informed of [the birth of] a female, his face becomes dark, and he suppresses grief. He hides himself from the people because of the ill of which he has been informed. Should he keep it in humiliation or bury it in the ground? Unquestionably, evil is what they decide. (16:58-59) And in the Pre-Islamic days when a woman's husband died, his sons and relatives inherited her as property; if they wished they would marry her to one of them and if they wished they could prevent her from remarrying and keep her thus until death. Islam did away with all that through its just rulings which guaranteed the rights of women. The Prophet (Peace be upon him) declared that women are equal to men in all aspects of humanity, saying, "Women are but sisters of men." (Reported by Ahmad) So in Islam there is no conflict between the two sexes as its opponents imagine; rather, a brotherly-sisterly relationship of mutual cooperation exists between them. The noble Qur'an has confirmed the equality of men and women in the realms of faith, action and compensation in the Hereafter, God Almighty states: Indeed, the Muslim men and Muslim women, the believing men and believing women, the obedient men and obedient women, the truthful men and truthful women, the patient men and patient women, the humble men and humble women, the charitable men and charitable women, the fasting men and fasting women, the men who guard their private parts and the women who do so, and the men who remember God often and the women who do so – for them God has prepared forgiveness and a great reward. (33:35) And He said: Whoever does an evil deed will not be recompensed except by the like thereof; but whoever does righteousness, whether male or female, while he is a believer – those will enter Paradise, being given provision therein without account. (40:40) God's Messenger (peace be upon him) mentioned his love for women, saying, "Beloved to me from your world are women and pleasant scent, and my greatest pleasure is in prayer." (Ahmad) So if the Prophet (peace be upon him) loved women, how could he belittle or oppress them? Moreover, while the Prophet (Peace be upon him) abolished the customary hatred of daughters and the terrible practice of burying them alive, he encouraged raising them well and treating them kindly. On one occasion he said, "Whoever cares for two girls until they reach puberty will come with me thus on the Day of Resurrection," and he brought together his two fingers. (Muslim) This shows that one attains high position and nearness to the Prophet owing to his care and protection of his daughters until they reach the age of puberty and responsibility. The Prophet also said, "Whoever has three daughters or three sisters or two daughters or two sisters and lives with them in kindness, fearing God in regard to them, will enter Paradise." (Reported by At-Tirmidhi) The Prophet was also concerned with educating women. In fact, he even appointed a day for them to assemble and would come to teach them from that which God had taught him. (Reported by Muslim) He did not make woman a prisoner within the house, as the opponents claim, but allowed her to go out to take care of her needs, visit her relatives and visit the sick. He allowed her to buy and sell in the marketplace as long as she adhered to modest conduct and proper dress. He also allowed her to attend the mosque and forbade preventing her, saying, "Do not prevent your women from [coming to] the mosques." (Reported by Ahmad) He would constantly urge kindness toward her with the words, "Be good to women." (Reported by Bukhari) This involves good treatment, respect for her rights, concern for her feelings and avoidance of any kind of harm. "You will not spend any expenditure seeking the approval of God but that you will be rewarded for it – even the bite of food you put into the mouth of your wife." (Reported by Bukhari) He also pointed out that what is spent on the family is the best expenditure, saying, "The best dinar is the one a man spends on his dependants." (Reported by Muslim) On another occasion he said: "When a man gives his wife a drink of water he is rewarded." (Reported by Ahmad) When `Irbaadh ibn Sariah heard this statement of the Prophet he hastened to bring some water to his wife to drink, telling her what he had heard from the Messenger of God. This is how the Prophet (peace be upon him) taught his companions good treatment of women, affection and sympathy towards them, providing them with all kinds of benefit and spending on them appropriately. The Prophet (peace be upon him) made clear that good treatment of women is a sign of the nobility of a man's soul and generosity of his nature. He stated, "The best of you is the best of you to your wives." (Reported by Ahmad) And he forbade hatred of one's wife, saying, "Let not a male believer hate a female believer; if he dislikes one trait of hers he will be pleased with another one." (Reported by Muslim) Thus, the Prophet ordered men to look for the positive aspects and praiseworthy actions in women and overlook the errors and negative aspects, because looking for bad behavior and dwelling upon it leads to aversion and dislike between the spouses. He also prohibited beating women, saying, "Do not strike the female servants of God." (Reported by Abu Dawud) And he threatened those who harm them with the words: "O God, indeed, I make binding the right of the two vulnerable ones: the orphan and the woman." (Reported by Ahmad) This meant that he would not make lawful the harming of either of them, and whoever does so has exposed himself to difficulty and punishment in this world and the next. The Prophet also prohibited husbands from exposing the secrets (private aspects) of their wives, as he prohibited wives from exposing the secrets of their husbands. He said, "The worst of people in position before God on the Day of Resurrection will be a man who has intercourse with his wife and then spreads her secret." (Reported by Muslim) The Prophet also honored women by prohibiting husbands from assuming evil about their wives or suspicion of them. Jabir a companion of the Prophet reported: "The Messenger of God (Peace be upon him) prohibited men from surprising their wives by night, suspecting betrayal or seeking to catch their faults." (Reported by Bukhari) As for the conduct of God's Messenger (peace be upon him) with his own wives, it was of the utmost sensitivity and kindness. Al-Aswad reported: "I asked `A'ishah the wife of the Prophet, how the Messenger of God was with his wives. She said, 'He was in the occupation of his wife,' meaning that he assisted her in her work. 'But when it was time for the prayer he would get up for prayer. (Reported by Bukhari) He (peace be upon him) would try to please his wives and amuse them with pleasant conversation and sweet words. An example of this is when he said to `A'ishah, "I know your anger and your contentment." She said, "How do you know that, O Messenger of God?" He said, "When you are content you say, 'Yes, by the Lord of Muhammad.' But when you are angry you say, 'No, by the Lord of Abraham.'" She said, "Yes, by God, O Messenger of God; I do not abandon except your name." (Reported by Bukhari) She meant that her love of him was firm in her heart and did not change. The Prophet (Peace be upon him) never forgot his wife, Khadijah after her death. Anas reported: "When the Prophet (peace be upon him) got a gift he would say, 'Take it to so-and-so, for she was a friend of Khadijah. (Reported by Tabarani) This is how Muhammad (peace be upon him) honored women, so how do those who ridicule Muslim women compare to it? |
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